Christ over Culture

Losing my confidence 

When I wasn’t a Christian, I was literally, and I don’t say literally as an exaggeration, but I literally was the most confident person ever! I truly believed I could’ve been 700 pounds and still would be the most beautiful girl on planet earth! That was me before I found Jesus.

When I did, I lost a lot of my confidence. Some I lost just because I was conceited, and God needed to strip me to be more like Him. Some I lost because I gained weight and no longer thought I had the same value I used to have being slim (not really slim but smaller than I was). This is a whole issue in itself that needs to be addressed! 

Why does my worth go down when my size goes up? Does the weight on the scale control my life? I’m sad to say it does, but it sure does! 

When I lost what I thought the beauty standard was regarding my weight. I went down a dark path of erotica books and compliment counting. I always had a full, round face and big cheeks. It’s the double chin and back rolls that really did it for me! “No man will love you, and you’re definitely not getting married. The best thing for you to do is read these books and feel good because it’s the most you’ll get out of life”. I let the weight the scale said determine my life! “Just lose weight.” I’m sorry, on top of being clinically obese, I’m also lazy! LOL FUNNY NOT FUNNY! 

But the point is, for years, about 5 long years, and I say long because it hasn’t been a day since then that I haven’t thought about my size. It’s the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing at night! Sometimes I can’t even eat a meal without feeling guilty, like I’m some kind of glutton whose only reason to live is to chew! I’m not a glutton, I promise! 

Okay, but the actual point is that the weight on the scale doesn’t define me! Jesus does! I’m not saying this is an excuse to be lazy, but it does mean I’m more than the back rolls I see and worth more than what the scale says! Trust me, that scale says a lot, but believe me when I tell you Jesus says more! 

Yes, God tells me time and time again to eat healthier, go for walks, and spend time exercising! To take better care of His temple and lay off the red 40 (I love red 40)! He also tells me how He loves me with an everlasting love, how He has overcome the world! What is weight shame and insecurities to God? I’ll tell you what they are, things He has already overcome! 

I don’t know what your struggle is, maybe you think you’re too thin! I’ve never been skinny. I was always thicker than the people around me, even if it wasn’t by much. Always bigger, I remember the first time I got put in the front seat of the car because I was the biggest one! I almost went to say, “ride on my back since it’s that big,” maybe they would’ve said, “you’d get tired too fast.”

All I know is today, October 17th, 2025. I got tired of feeling disgusting in my own body, like I need to hide because the world hates fat people, which I am! I don’t care how big you are. I don’t ever want you to feel the way I felt. I saw so much hatred for my own self in my eyes. Seriously, because I’m fat, I hate myself? This is why I believe everyone should hate me and never find me attractive? Seriously? Girl, I’m sad for you, but I can’t believe this anymore. Honestly, I used to walk (by used to I literally mean yesterday) with my head held down because why would I have confidence looking like this? WHERE DOES YOUR CONFIDENCE COME FROM, GIRL???? Obviously not Jesus when you’re acting like this! 

Listen, learn how much Jesus loves you! Know that when He gave Himself up for you, it wasn’t under the condition of you staying under 180 pounds. It was for You! The you right here and right now. He saw that person and loved them with an everlasting love! Eating disorder, insecurity, body dysmorphia. He saw it all and overcame it! Hold your head up high and walk with confidence because you’re walking with Jesus! 

Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you won’t get married! Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you deserve less than! Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your meal! 

Walk every day with Jesus! Recently, I’ve been trusting God just to simply change my appetite because I know I can’t do it on my own! Walk step by step with Jesus and watch Him blow your mind! 

You are worth so much that God sent His only Son to die on the cross to save you! I bet your scale never told you that! 

Find your confidence in Jesus today! 

p.s. ~ As you guys can see, I tend to get sidetracked a lot because I didn’t even finish the reasons why I lost my confidence. LOL next time.